Be The Safe Space

Why My Focus is Supporting Men, Not Couples Sessions

Most couples work sounds good in theory. In real life it usually starts because she is desperate for him to finally hear her. There is a reason that rarely works.

By Jenn Funk · @jennfunkbrokenopen

Most couples work sounds good in theory, but in real life it usually starts because the woman is desperate for him to finally hear her.

She wants a third party to help him sit still, stop defending, stop checking out, and actually understand what she has been trying to say for months or years.

The problem is, most men already don't want to be there. They feel blamed. They feel trapped. They feel like the session is going to become another place where they are told everything they are doing wrong.

So what usually happens? She leaves feeling even more hurt, because now his resistance feels like proof that the relationship, and she herself, are still not a priority.

That is why my work is different.

I teach men how to show up in a way that prevents 95% of the uncomfortable things women share when they're not feeling safe in the relationship, and how to create a grounded space for her to share the other 5%.

You can't teach a cat to walk on a leash

Men are not wired to process feelings for an hour. It's not constructive to try to teach them what women do naturally, any more than it is to teach a cat to walk on a leash. Can you? Some people do. But it's fighting their biology.

So the answer is not forcing him into a softer chair and hoping he suddenly becomes emotionally fluent.

The answer is helping him understand the value of listening in a way a woman usually cannot explain to him, because men and women are wired to experience emotional safety very differently.

Two very different things

It does not mean I never work with both people together.

But the standard couples-session model, where one person shares, the other listens, reflects back, and then they switch, doesn't create the connection either one of you is longing for.

The real issue is deeper than communication

It is safety. It is polarity. It is whether he knows how to stay present when you are emotional.

It is whether you can finally relax because he is grounded enough to hold the moment without collapsing, defending, disappearing, or turning it back on you.

If that sounds like the dynamic you're hoping for, I'm brilliant at creating this result with motivated men.